And you bring me to my knees, again
All the times, that I could beg you please, in vain
All the times, that I felt insecure, for you
And I leave my burdens at the door
But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
All the times that I felt like this won't end
It's for you
And I tasted what I could never have
It was from you
All the times that I've cried, my intentions, full of pride
But I waste more time than anyone
But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
All the times that I've cried
All this wasted, it's all inside
And I feel, all this pain, stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie here in bed, all alone,
I can't mend
But I feel tomorrow will be okay
But I'm on the outside I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
Staind – Outside
I heard this song today. I’ve heard it before, but today it really struck me. It filled my soul and got all my attention. It opened up for me a new realization. This was how I felt when I cried out to God that I’d be able to help troubled teens with my counseling. These were the unspoken words filling my heart when I was reading my friend’s stories.
I call him my friend, but I never really know if he is. I never know for sure. And that’s probably why I’m so insecure about it all. Sometimes he’s great to talk to. Sometimes he’s a real jerk. But like I said, I’m learning to love without expectation. Not that I have to be a doormat. Not that I have to allow him to smear his sloppy mud-laden boots all over me and stomp on me before forgetting about me completely. But I continue to love.
This song – it’s a stage I went through with him. I don’t completely feel that way anymore. Just about a week ago, I told him that I didn’t mind him picking on me because I needed to toughen up anyway. I needed to be made strong. And hey, maybe he was just the person to do that. But I’m over that now. I talked to him yesterday and he picked on me quite a bit. I didn’t mind. I didn’t get angry. I didn’t get tears in my eyes. I didn’t crack. I was detached and objective and outside of my emotional always-take-things-personally self. It felt good to be that way. To just hear a person’s opinion – his opinion – and not immediately react to it. To just consider it as a possibility and nothing more than that.
I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt so secure in my understanding of myself and my life. Perhaps I owe it to him. Perhaps I owe it to grace. Perhaps I just needed to be a few days older than when I was acting so ridiculous and insecure. Perhaps this will all pass and I will be crying soon again. But man, I’ll enjoy it while it lasts. I'll enjoy being outside of all that nauseating self-loathing.
Staind – Outside
I heard this song today. I’ve heard it before, but today it really struck me. It filled my soul and got all my attention. It opened up for me a new realization. This was how I felt when I cried out to God that I’d be able to help troubled teens with my counseling. These were the unspoken words filling my heart when I was reading my friend’s stories.
I call him my friend, but I never really know if he is. I never know for sure. And that’s probably why I’m so insecure about it all. Sometimes he’s great to talk to. Sometimes he’s a real jerk. But like I said, I’m learning to love without expectation. Not that I have to be a doormat. Not that I have to allow him to smear his sloppy mud-laden boots all over me and stomp on me before forgetting about me completely. But I continue to love.
This song – it’s a stage I went through with him. I don’t completely feel that way anymore. Just about a week ago, I told him that I didn’t mind him picking on me because I needed to toughen up anyway. I needed to be made strong. And hey, maybe he was just the person to do that. But I’m over that now. I talked to him yesterday and he picked on me quite a bit. I didn’t mind. I didn’t get angry. I didn’t get tears in my eyes. I didn’t crack. I was detached and objective and outside of my emotional always-take-things-personally self. It felt good to be that way. To just hear a person’s opinion – his opinion – and not immediately react to it. To just consider it as a possibility and nothing more than that.
I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt so secure in my understanding of myself and my life. Perhaps I owe it to him. Perhaps I owe it to grace. Perhaps I just needed to be a few days older than when I was acting so ridiculous and insecure. Perhaps this will all pass and I will be crying soon again. But man, I’ll enjoy it while it lasts. I'll enjoy being outside of all that nauseating self-loathing.
