So being the highly ritualized Catholic that I am, I often awake at 3am, end up saying a few decades of the Divine Mercy Chaplet for whomever and somewhere in the process, fall back to sleep. This has gone on for years and it happened again last night. I believe I was in the third decade, meditating on the crown of thorns, when I started to get really annoyed, frustrated, and angry. I was of course half awake, so it was all sort of dreamlike. I heard myself raging in my head, "I'm sick of caring about people who don't even give a shit about themselves. I'm tired of praying for people who don't even pray. I don't want to feel for a person who worships the sedation brought on by the bottle. Love hurts. I can't take it. It's easier not to bother."
These thoughts were new to me. It felt like the voice in my head was not my own, and being half asleep, I couldn't muster much energy to fight it. There was some sense that I really shouldn't be feeling that way, that I should pray all the more for those who don't know how to pray. But I was in a daze and couldn't help feeling like the people who want to kill themselves slowly with their favorite companion, alcohol, should just be left to die.
May the Lord forgive me for my selfishness. May he strengthen me to love tirelessly as he did.
