"I suddenly saw...that you could want something your whole life but realize in the moment of achieving your desire that it couldn't save you the way you always thought it could, that it could in fact change you irrevocably into someone you didn't know and would not want to be."
-- John Tilden speaking in "Shame" by Greg Garrett
Billy Rimmer asked me out once. Well, he suggested “we give it a try sometime.” This is a boy I’d had a crush on for the past five years since 5th grade. He was a blond haired blue eyed boy, outgoing, athletic. I had known every girl he’d ever dated and I knew too that I wasn’t like any of them. They were much more cute, athletic, and well, just plain popular. Yet here he was on the phone with me – it was probably me that called him – suggesting that “who knows, it might work out." I chuckled, hesitated, then declined, saying, “If I went out with you now, it would only be because I’ve always wanted to, not because I really care about you. I’d be doing it only because it’s something I’ve always wanted to do, not really because I think there would be any chance of it working between us.” I’m not sure he understood my reasoning. I’m not even sure I knew how it was that I was able to pass up such an opportunity at age 15. But I did. I was wise back then, very wise.
