Over the past eight weeks or so, I have experienced healing at every Mass. I used to feel this all the time at Steubenville and back then, I went to Mass daily! It was perpetual tears and humility and healing then. It is like that once again, but not quite as painful.
I have been going through some strange things lately. So many emotions. So much growth. So many highs and so many lows. I’ve been reminded a lot of my past. Past relationships. Past hurts. Past mistakes. Times when I really screwed up.
I was hurt yesterday. Hurt by a guy friend. It’s been ages since I’ve had a guy friend, so it’s been ages since I’ve been hurt by one. He bothered me because he chose to ignore what I said rather than just tell me that he didn’t want to deal with it. I hate that kind of cowardliness, that kind of cruelty. I hate when people choose not to deal with me. I hate it because it makes me feel like they’re saying that I’m not worth the trouble, like I’m not worth the anguish, like I’m not worth the work, like I’m not worth dealing with. I hate it because it reminds me of so many of my past relationships and those remind me of my deepest hurt – being abandoned by my father.
I won’t talk about my father today. But I will talk about my last boyfriend because that is where the Lord healed me today. This guy – I met him just before Christmas when I was 19. I had been feeling numb for about 8 months from my previous breakup. And he had broken up with his girlfriend the very night that I met him! Looking back on it, I always wondered why the two of us ever got together. Really, we had very little in common. His culture was different, his religion was different, his view on life was different. But I was talking about him the other day and it suddenly dawned on me – thirteen years later – that he was so much like my dad and maybe that’s what attracted me to him. Maybe. Who really knows?
I was with this guy for a total of 9 months I guess, but really it all fell apart around March or May or something like that. I won’t explain it all, but let’s just say it’s a bad bad sign when your parents file a lawsuit against your boyfriend. Yep, bad sign. It’s a bad sign when your boyfriend should be in jail and you’re still totally in love with him. Yep, bad sign. And it’s a bad sign when your boyfriend calls you on the phone and says, “Guess what – I’m in Hawaii. Thought I’d live here for a couple of months. Yeah, I know you and I talked about getting married, but you’re going off to college and well, I just can’t handle the separations so that’s why I’ve been avoiding you. Sorry. Have a great life.” Those weren’t his exact words, but you get the picture. He was such a frickin’ coward.
Anyway, before I get too upset, I will talk about my healing. Ah, the healing. I was thinking about this guy – this last boyfriend of mine. He left such a pain in my heart that I couldn’t even mention his name until just last year. Yeah. I’m serious. I have had deep sorrow over him. All my love turned to hate. I loved him very much and that’s why it hurt so badly.
I have discovered though that you cannot heal hatred until you admit how much you loved. I discovered that a couple years ago with my father. I was lying in bed, talking to my husband, talking about my father and I started crying because for the first time ever I admitted that I loved my daddy and I so much wanted him to love me in return. It was only when I admitted that I loved him that a feeling swept all through me from my head to my toes. It was only then that most of the hurt fled my being.
So I was sitting in Mass today and listening to the readings and listening to the homily and thinking about how I was hurt yesterday and remembering how I had been hurt in a similar way by my last boyfriend. And for the first time in 13 years, I just sat there and thought about my last boyfriend. I didn’t think about how much he had disappointed me or how much I hated him or how much I really needed to try to forgive him. No, for the first time in a long time, I thought about why I loved him. I thought about his face, his dark skin, his soft eyes, his charming smile, his large gentle hands. I thought about his voice and his laughter and the pain he sometimes showed. I thought about how happy I was when he said he wanted to be with me forever and how he would wait for me during my two years of being away at college. I thought about all the dreams I had had of being with him, the home we would have together, how I wanted to have his children. I wanted to have his children.
It was at that thought that the tears came to my eyes. It was at that thought that the mourning welled up from the pit of my stomach. It was at that thought that I began to pray for forgiveness – for myself and for him. I thanked the Lord for the many blessings in my life and I prayed – in a sincere way this time – that Malcolm would have blessings in his life too. Yes, I prayed for him. And I prayed that Jesus and Mary would undo the knots that I have done.
A lot of people don’t understand those prayers. Why pray for those who have hurt you? Why make reparation for the sins of others? Why not just worry about yourself? I am a Christian. It is my mission to be like Christ. I certainly do pray for myself. It is my sole focus to make it to Heaven. I struggle toward that goal every day – every single day.
I am not a rock, I am not an island. I affect everyone around me. I am responsible for how I affect other people’s souls. It is my mission to be the light of Christ in the world. If I allow my brother to fall with me into darkness, then I am responsible for my neglect. And I don’t pray for people because I’m afraid of my own punishment. Sure, it concerns me. But I mostly pray for them because I truly do have love in my heart. I truly do want them to be blessed. I truly do want them to know peace and love and joy in their lives. I truly do want them to encounter the glory of God.
And it’s because I love the Lord – I love Him with my whole heart – that I make reparation for the sins of my brothers and sisters. It’s because I love the Truth that I hate lies. It’s because I love the Light that I hate the darkness. It’s because I love Life that I hate death. And it’s because I love LOVE that I hate indifference. Understand that. Ponder that. Consider that. Then choose the path you will tread.
So, back to this guy friend I talked to yesterday. Yes, he hurt me. Yes, he reminded me of my last boyfriend. Yes, he even in a small way reminded me of my father. But I choose to keep talking to him, not because I'm happy being a doormat, not because I'm okay with being ignored. I keep talking to him because I feel it is my mission to be love and mercy in his life and I feel it is his mission (or rather that the Lord is using him) to teach me how to love purely, without expecting anything in return.
The Lord assured me that my needs now are not what they were then and that He would give me strength to endure this love. It is difficult to love with the Heart of Jesus. It is beautiful and yet painful at the same time. It is beautiful because the love just flows abundantly from the deepest part of you and it must be released, it cannot be contained. It is painful because you know -- you know, you know, you know -- that you can only HOPE that your love will be returned and that there is every chance that it won't be. MMMmmmmm. Lord, give me the strength and the fortitude to love the way You do.
No comments:
Post a Comment