the less desirable and the very desirable

I said in the last post that I am a rather serious person. That’s not totally true. I am slowly seeing that. I’ve always thought of myself as very pensive and sensitive. Things affect me deeply. But just as it is said that a person cannot see demons without also seeing angels, I feel that I cannot experience the depths of pain without also experiencing the height of ecstasies.

I never knew this about myself until college, but I really do laugh a lot. I was with my household sisters, making a tape for an out-of-state friend of ours. We were conversing and catching her up on the news. When I played the tape back, I realized that I was the one laughing the most. I had never thought of myself like that before – as a person laughing a lot. But there it was, indisputable, on the tape. I was laughing and joking and happy.

I’ll admit that I’m never the life of the party. But I am the one laughing the loudest at whoever the life of the party happens to be. When I laugh, I laugh a lot. I double over and do not breathe for a long time. Occasionally, I come up with witty things to say which prolong the joke and make me and everyone around me laugh even louder. It’s fun. I enjoy the bantering quite a bit.

I don’t usually think quickly on my feet and that’s why I’ll never be a stand up comedian and why I’ll never be on the debate team. Like I said, I muse and I ponder and most of the time, when I’m in a heated conversation, I don’t come up with a good come back until about two hours after the conversation has ended. I am rather embarrassed by it all. That’s why I simply resign myself to prayer for the most part. But anyway, I enjoy laughing. I enjoy funny songs and crazy videos and ridiculous movies and I most especially enjoy other people who make me laugh.

I am beginning to see myself in a different light altogether. It seems that for years, I have been clinging onto the many insults that people have thrown my way – I’m too sensitive, I take things too seriously, I cry too much. But I brushed off all the compliments that were always there – I’m funny, I’m fun to have around, I’m easily entertained. I’m not brushing off the compliments anymore. I’m learning to accept the many aspects of me – the less desirable and the very desirable – and I’m learning to love myself for all those things.