a series of cycles

It seems that life is a series of cycles. And within each cycle you're trying to learn in a deeper way the lesson that was presented to you in the first place. You go through these bright revelations of truth and you're confident and happy while walking in them. And then you go through the shadows of lies and you recognize that you've been in that place before and you are tempted to think the truth was never real and that the darkness is the place where you belong.

I have recognized once again that I have a high need for security. I long to be protected, accepted, safe. This may seem odd since I am chronically exposing myself as a vulnerable being. You would think I would hide all my vulnerability and not let anyone in. You would think I would not let anyone know anything about myself and that maybe I would take up some form of escapism on a regular basis. I have my moments of escaping...into my dreamworld of my thoughts, into the warmth of a bubble bath, into the clarity of my writing, into the pounding rhythm of my music when driving in the car, the the comfortable quiet of my room when the kids are watching videos. But it's like I need someone else to protect me, accept me, and make me feel safe. My husband does all these things for me. I thought I was over this need. So why do I find myself still looking for it? Why do I find myself in the shadows, hearing that voice, "You are not worth the trouble. No one wants to bother with you. No one wants to deal with all your emotional needs. You are not good enough for anyone to want to endure. You deserve to have everyone walk out on you. Accept it -- you are completely alone."

I have recognized once again that I have a high need for consistency. I like order and I don't like change. Even when I know the change will be a great thing in my life, I face it with nervous anxiety. I am uncomfortable with the unknown. It is not all that exciting to me. It is dark and mysterious in an intimidating way. And that's why Flip is dark and mysterious and intimidating. And maybe too that's why Tanya longs for him to come around and help her feel protected and accepted and safe -- to prove that he really is an okay guy after all. Tanya does not give up. She has hope. She walks through the shadows and she perseveres and she is triumphant -- at least in the first version. She does not hear that voice, "You have to change in order to be okay. You have to change in order to be acceptable. You have to change because nobody likes you the way you are." See, change is a negative there. Even when I know it's good for me, I feel like I have to change only so I can stop being all the bad things that I am.

I have recognized once again that I have a high need to be needed. I like to feel like I have a place in the world. I like to feel that my life matters somehow. I am a very dedicated person. That's a good thing most of the time. It's a bad thing when it turns into stubbornness -- my trying to get what I want no matter how improbable it is. Or when it turns into despair -- my giving up on even trying because my desires are deemed impossible to fulfill. My husband is wholly dedicated to me. I have four children who, despite all my faults, think I'm pretty great. I have relatives who are happy to see me when I visit. I have friends who miss me and hug me hello when they see me. And yet, I still find myself in the shadows sometimes, hearing that voice, "Nobody needs you. You do not belong here. You mess everything up. They would be better off without you. Why do you even try? Why do you bother to pray? You cannot make any difference. Nobody needs you. If you left today, they would get over it eventually. Your life is meaningless."

And now I am completely exposed once again. I am not a soldier. I am not a bird. Not today. Everyone reading this is thinking, "Get this woman some help." But these are shadows, just passing things. Most of the time, I am doing alright. Most of the time, I am really pretty great. Most of the time, I am not depressed, not feeling down about myself, not crying my eyes out, not clinging to a person I hardly know, not raging at God. Most of the time -- and I'm saying like 87% here -- I'm a lovely person to be with and I like myself and life is wonderful. Most of the time, the sun is shining on my face and I am smiling. But life is a series of cycles.