like me

I spent a load of money on myself this past week. Now, to understand the significance of this statement, you have to understand that I come from a long line of non-self-indulgent women. And when I say “load of money,” I mean about three hundred bucks. You also have to understand that I come from a long line of avid bargain shoppers.

I have a hard time buying anything for myself and I have a hard time buying anything that’s not on sale. I remember standing in the make-up aisle at Target for a good ten minutes just trying to talk myself into purchasing a generic tube of lipstick. I finally relented when I noticed it had been marked down from $8 to $3. So this is a big deal for me.

I've been buying new clothes lately. Usually, clothes shopping is not a fun outing for me. Once the clothes are on my body, they never quite look the way they did on that girl in the picture. Often, I go home with one item after having tried on fifteen. It’s usually a very depressing excursion for me. But lately, it’s been nice. I get to fit into clothes which haven’t fit me since I was single. And not only that, I have been buying clothes which I would not have worn since I was single either.

Life has been ever-changing during this past decade for me. I think I’m finally starting to embrace myself for all of who I am. It’s taken me a number of years to really figure out just who that is though. I think I was starting to have a handle on it in high school and then I second-guessed myself along the way. I went to junior college in Southern California and my friends would occasionally invite me to go dancing in the Hollywood clubs. Several people there wore black and leather and brightly colored hair. I felt that maybe I should be like they were. I bought Victorian lace-up boots, a black lace skirt, and liquid eye-liner.

After a couple years, I went off to Catholic college and all the girls there wore wearing ankle-length skirts and modest cotton shirts. I felt that maybe I should be like they were. I bought floral skirts and modest shirts and got rid of the liquid eye-liner.

I remember hearing a chastity speaker come to campus who told us that to dress like Mother Mary, we needed to have hemlines below the knee, sleeves down to our elbows, and necklines that never plunged more than a couple inches below our necks. He said we should never wear see-through materials, not even shirts with sheer sleeves. I struggled with that concept for years after that talk. I could handle the hemline and I never was fond of plunging necklines, but I just could not bring myself to feel guilty about sheer sleeves or cap sleeves. Come on!

So I went on, unsure of sleeve length for years. Then I became a mom and a homeschooler and there was that issue all over again. My first homeschooling group had numerous women who wore slip-on shoes and cotton shirts underneath denim jumpers. I felt that maybe I should be like they were. I bought myself some clogs and some nice shirts and an embroidered denim jumper.

I moved a couple years ago to a larger city. The homeschoolers here are quite different. They’re not the jumper type. They actually get cute haircuts and wear makeup most of the time! Some of them do wear jumpers, but some of them have clothes that are quite fashionable. It sort of blows my mind. I don’t have to be Ms. Plain Jane in order to be part of the homeschool group! I can be proud of whatever I feel like wearing. These women are all faithful. Many of them enroll their children in Latin classes and wear veils to Mass. And yet, there they are in their capris and denim jackets. I am rather amazed.

I was never completely unhappy with my clothing, but it seemed I bought items only to fit in with whatever crowd I was hanging out with at the time. Now when I go shopping, I feel like I buy clothes just for me and I’m actually surprised that I’m buying styles which I haven’t worn in over ten years. Tank tops and shorts, mostly. Items I never would have felt comfortable wearing with the girls at Franciscan University (where jeans in church were frowned upon). I don’t know if they would have judged me over it. But I probably would have felt like I was not up to par.

I understand there are different clothes for different occasions and I even made a special shopping trip the other day so that I wouldn’t have to attend daily Mass in shorts. But I bought pants – cute trendy pants and a cute trendy shirt (not on sale!) to go with it. Previously, I definitely would have shopped all over the place to get just the right type of skirt and blouse. Not anymore. Now I’m dressing like me.