Let it fester

I write when I have a lot of things to work out, when I'm confused, or mulling over a problem. Taking note of the number of entries for this month of October, it's been a difficult time. And you don't even realize that I've also begun a blog on MySpace as well. Ha.

But for all my letter writing and blogging, I have yet to progress a single page's worth of writing or revision on any of my stories. So much for getting something, anything, published in 2008.

Aw, don't give up yet, you say. There are still a couple of months left. A couple of months, hmmph! I am at a point where I feel like I will never be able to write another story ever again. Let it fester, let it fester, he said. But I hate gaping wounds.

On the bright side, I have been writing more songs and have even begun recording the vocals. Don't know what's going to become of that, but I do it "because I like it." What the hell are you talking about? he said. You do it because you like it. So, yes, I'm doing it because I like it. And when the time comes that great story paragraphs weave together to create a great overall story, I will be most satisfied with not having wasted my time complaining.

Passion

Passion describes giving over oneself with complete abandon. And yet, it also entails profound suffering.

It is joyous suffering to give yourself completely to another person. It’s wonderful because in giving, we fulfill the very meaning and purpose of our lives. It hurts because there is always a fear there that we may never get ourselves back. And that other person might not give himself in return.

To love someone – to truly love someone – requires passion. A willingness, an aching to give, give, give – inexhaustibly – every treasure that you claim as your own, even unto your very life! For what gift is more precious than life itself?

Deep love comes when your sole desire is for the other person’s well-being. When all your focus is to pour goodness into that other person’s life, you know are truly choosing to love.

If loving a person means repeatedly explaining yourself when you’re certain he may never understand, explain yourself once again, with tenderness and patience.

If loving a person means calling out to him day after day, with no reply, although you know he hears you, call out to him again, with a gentle voice that welcomes.

If loving a person means revealing all of your hopes and dreams and desires when you know he may again laugh at your ridiculousness and refuse to share any dreams of his own because he gave up hope way too early in life, pull back the veil and expose yourself even more, inviting him again to look upon you and see your beauty.

Passion – it gives meaning to our sufferings. It enables us to give beyond reason. To give and ever hope that the gift will be returned.

Less depressing

I was in a pushing-around mood today. Wanting to test everyone. Feeling like no one really cared. Being angry, but not strong.

I hate when I get that way.

Luckily, I kept to myself for the most part. Didn't overly embarrass myself. I'll know I'm better when the songs in my head get less depressing.

Second chances

I gave someone a second chance today. He didn't disappoint me. That was pleasant. And now I'm happy that I didn't harden up and steep myself in bitterness. I'm convinced that kindness pays off eventually. Don't laugh. Don't tell me I never learn. Self blame is a horrid enemy of mine and if I have nothing to blame myself over, then all is well.

Strive for excellence, not perfection.

A friend told me today that we should strive for excellence, not perfection.

Indeed.

I want to write that on my bathroom mirror. I want to tattoo it on my arm. I want to remember it always. May I never forget that I was not created to be perfect and I should have no shame in not being completely flawless. Excellence. Excellence. That's enough.

I'm a sucker for sentimentality.

So much for losing track of time. -- The Fuzz, Silversun Pickups

I sifted through some boxes today and found all kinds of goodies. Every single letter my highschool boyfriends wrote me. The newspaper cutout of my cross country crush, which I later used to create a full 16 x 20 charcoal sketch to hang over my bed. My Lollapalooza ticket from August 1995.

Man, I'm a sucker for sentimentality.

Good thing e-mails can be easily erased with the click of a button. But who can erase my memories? I know, I know -- just drink more. But I tried that already and dang it, I still remembered every detail of the night before.

A treasure and a delight.

A good story is a treasure. A kind young un-jaded author is a delight. A good book which will always be waiting for you when you want to settle on the couch and escape...ahh, who can turn away? I have enjoyed all three today, thanks to Jadestone, Gameboy, and Koontz.

walking among the wolves

I am a chew toy that has lost its puppy dog. Is that the saddest thing in the world to lament over or what? It's been a week. Not doing well today.

Someone paid me a compliment today and then turned around and slapped me in the face. I'm struggling to not harden up, to not steep myself in bitterness. What does it really matter if some neff decided to play games with me? It shouldn't matter at all. Still, it's annoying. It doesn't hurt me; it just annoys me.

I need to stop walking among the wolves and expecting to not get chewed up. It was fun for a time. Oh well.

Breathing together

I had company over today. I'm convinced that people are programmed for face to face interraction. People need to look into each other's eyes, hear a man's laughter upon the punchline of his own joke, feel the touch of a woman's hand as she tells a deeply personal story. People need to share food together, be entertained together, get out and enjoy the blessing of the good weather together.

The nice thing about in-person interraction or phone conversation and maybe even IM to the slightest extent is that you can sit there with the other person and just be in his presence and still be satisfied. That's something you can't get out of e-mails and messages and blogs. You can't both receive a sense of peace by just sitting there, breathing together. It's a special thing to be able to share with someone. Very special indeed.

Perseverence

What I like best about guys is that they have a way of facing you squarely, placing both hands on your shoulders and saying, "You must persevere. I believe in you. You can do it." Jack's parting words to Rose in Titanic come immediately to mind. Thank You, Lord, for inspiring perseverance in me this week.

A wolf, a jaguar

Nine Inch Nails is playing at the Voodoo Music Festival in a couple weeks. I listened to a live version of Hurt tonight. That song -- oh, that song seeped into me and I couldn't forget it all night. In my mind, I hear him singing it. Not that he owns that song. I owned it in my pre-FUS life, not him. But still, I hear him singing that song and I want to make everything better for him. Even though I know I can't. Even though I know he wouldn't let me if I tried.

See, I'm the person who wants to tame the wolf. I'm the one who wants to make the jaguar purr. But he's a wolf, he's a jaguar; there's no desire on his part, or on the part of any other man like him, to lick anyone's hand, to submit to being stroked along the nape of the neck. He acknowledges no need for anyone but himself. So of what use am I? None.

All I can do is pray and sacrifice and hope. But those things are difficult when he flat out says he's happy with his no-need-for-love life and he's not interested in changing. I had to decrease so that the Almighty could increase. I've accepted that. Still, I hear that song in my head and it just tears at my heart. God bless him. God bless everyone of them, stalking along, loners in life with no need for anyone like me. I pray for them constantly.

A Clear Mind

As I went to sleep last night, I realized what had been different about the entire day. For the first time in many months, I had not had any imaginary conversations with...with him. I was able to let go in part because I had finally told all my stories and I had finally asked all my questions.

When there was always the hope of hearing from him again, there was always the thought of what I would share next time. Now that the relationship has been severed, I don't have to think anymore about what I might say or how he might react. I can have a clear mind now. I can move on.

Shadow of the Day

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

The weather is different today. The heat of summer has passed. I'm still in my shorts and shirt, but my heart now longs for a change.

I slept well last night. And that doesn't mean what it used to mean. It means I was at peace when I slept. I was at peace when I awoke as well.

I close both locks below the window.
I close both blinds and turn away.
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple.
Sometimes goodbye's the only way.
And the sun will set for you,
The sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in grey,
And the sun will set for you.

Goodbye lover. Farewell. LYF.

Mark this day, October 7th. Isn't it the feast of Our Lady of Victory or something? Oh, every day is something, isn't it? Well, for years to come, I shall remember this day as my own day of victory.

For months, I've been singing, It's been awhile since I could say that I wasn't addicted. Yeah, I've been singing that song.

You all can call me a hypocrite. You all can call me a horrible sinner. You can shove it in my face that I now have loads more purgatory time than I did before April 2nd when I first met him. But I learned a lot. I changed a lot. I got a lot stronger. And I don't regret it completely.

Truth be told, he was never truly my friend. But I'm being as honest as honest can be when I say that I loved him. I can't quite explain it, but some strange mixed up kind of love was there. And for me, it was completely real.

Today, I got the last piece of the puzzle to be able to let it go. I can't quite explain it. But my eyes were opened and my heart was released. I realized that I wasn't responsible for him, that I never was. I don't have to feel obligated toward him anymore. I never needed to feel obligated in the first place. I'm at peace with it now. Yet, I know I'll miss him.

Goodbye lover. That was his farewell to me. I leaned over, kissed him on the cheek and said, Farewell. LYF.

Standing on My Own

It's another year older for me lately and I've learned an invaluable lesson. A little late in coming, but it's there all the same.

I don't need my arm twisted. I don't need to be talked into doing anything I don't particularly want to do. I don't need to lean on anyone else for my strength; I am strong enough on my own.

I shouldn't expect others to be everything I'm not. And I shouldn't try to be everything they're not as well. I'll concentrate on my strengths and work on my weaknesses and I'll pray that all others can do the same. God love you all.